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Thursday, May 04, 2006

Please Welcome the Atheist Comedian

Good evening Ladies and Gentile Men.

I just flew in from Heaven and boy are my wings tired. (ba-dum-bum)

But seriously, the flight was terrible. Why are they always so rude? Heck, Jesus got better service at the Last Supper.

And airline food, don't get me started. I know Jesus can turn water into wine, but I didn't realize it worked the other way around.

How is it He can feed 5000 with a few loaves of bread but they can't manage to put more than 10 peanuts in a bag?

And the space. They cram you in there tighter than animals on an ark.

Seriously, I've had more elbow room at the Hajj.

I mean, when you get to know the person sitting next to you, you really get to "know" the person sitting next to you.

And talk about a flight delay, we waited longer to take off than Christians have been waiting for the Second Coming.

Speaking of Second Comings, take my wife, please God, take my wife.

I don't want to call her frigid, but she makes Mother Theresa look like Mary Magdalene.

When the Lord says "Go forth and multiply", she pulls out a calculator (ba-dum-bum).

We even named our first son Jesus because it was a virgin birth.

So I ask her "Didn't God make woman out of man's rib?" and she says "Yeah, but looking at you, I think He took the wrong bone".

Is this mike on? (tap-tap-tap) I thought only God could turn people into pillars of salt?

I haven't seen this many people walk out at once since Exodus.

I haven't seen someone vanish so fast since Jesus' tomb.

With friends like you, who needs Judas?

No, I'm joking, I love you all like I love my wife. Which reminds me, anyone here from Utah?

(smattering of clapping)

Last time I was in Utah I went to a store to by my wife a set of his and her bathrobes, but they only came in packs of three. (ba-dum-bum)

And I hear they like to marry 'em young in Utah. In fact, I just heard they made Roman Polanski one of the Twelve Apostles.

It's the only place I know where "Old Maid" is an insult in high school.

And the class ring is a wedding band.

("You suck Atheist Comedian")

Ahh, I see we have a heckler in the crowd. Where are you from sir?

("South Carolina")

Ahh, the South. Well that explains a lot, doesn't it? I mean, there's more inbreeding down there than a night out with Lot and his daughters. (ba-dum-bum)

I know Leviticus commands you not to cut your hair or beard, but I think those nose hairs are fair game.

Regardless of what you may have heard, a thousand roaches in your house is not one of the plagues.

When you anoint yourself with oil, it shouldn't have a weight.

And let me give you a piece of advice, a car fire in your front yard is not what God meant by a burnt offering.

(pause for drink)

I'm excited to announce that I was recently born again. But I'm so old, they couldn't use Holy water, they had to use Geritol.

Actually, I didn't mind being born again and baptized, but I wasn't expecting the priest to slap me on the ass.

And I can live with the adult diapers, but my wife still won't let me breast feed. (ba-dum-bum)

Wow, tough audience. I'm dying faster than a firstborn Egyptian boy on Passover.

This routine is dragging longer than Jesus carrying his own cross. ("booooooo") What? Too soon?

Thank you, you've been a great audience. Don't let the manger door hit you on the way out.

5 Comments:

At 5/05/2006 4:49 PM, Blogger Martijn said...

Hi,

You don't have breasts. That probably why you can't feed the baby. Was the baby born nailed on a baby-cross?

Best regards,
Martijn Fransen

 
At 5/07/2006 4:29 AM, Blogger Simon said...

Stop! Stop! You're killing me!

 
At 9/17/2006 5:58 PM, Blogger the observer said...

An atheist comedian? I don't believe it!

 
At 11/01/2007 10:45 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Jesus would have never been nailed to the cross if someone had just had a pair of pliers!

Walk on water? That's nothing, eat some mushrooms and you can walk on air!

 
At 8/02/2008 4:48 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

These really aren't that good. Taking tired old jokes and making them about jesus doesn't equal funny. How about some more original material?

 

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