Good evening Ladies and Gentile Men.
I just flew in from Heaven and boy are my wings tired. (ba-dum-bum)
But seriously, the flight was terrible. Why are they always so rude? Heck, Jesus got better service at the Last Supper.
And airline food, don't get me started. I know Jesus can turn water into wine, but I didn't realize it worked the other way around.
How is it He can feed 5000 with a few loaves of bread but they can't manage to put more than 10 peanuts in a bag?
And the space. They cram you in there tighter than animals on an ark.
Seriously, I've had more elbow room at the Hajj.
I mean, when you get to know the person sitting next to you, you really get to "know" the person sitting next to you.
And talk about a flight delay, we waited longer to take off than Christians have been waiting for the Second Coming.
Speaking of Second Comings, take my wife, please God, take my wife.
I don't want to call her frigid, but she makes Mother Theresa look like Mary Magdalene.
When the Lord says "Go forth and multiply", she pulls out a calculator (ba-dum-bum).
We even named our first son Jesus because it was a virgin birth.
So I ask her "Didn't God make woman out of man's rib?" and she says "Yeah, but looking at you, I think He took the wrong bone".
Is this mike on? (tap-tap-tap) I thought only God could turn people into pillars of salt?
I haven't seen this many people walk out at once since Exodus.
I haven't seen someone vanish so fast since Jesus' tomb.
With friends like you, who needs Judas?
No, I'm joking, I love you all like I love my wife. Which reminds me, anyone here from Utah?
(smattering of clapping)
Last time I was in Utah I went to a store to by my wife a set of his and her bathrobes, but they only came in packs of three. (ba-dum-bum)
And I hear they like to marry 'em young in Utah. In fact, I just heard they made Roman Polanski one of the Twelve Apostles.
It's the only place I know where "Old Maid" is an insult in high school.
And the class ring is a wedding band.
("You suck Atheist Comedian")
Ahh, I see we have a heckler in the crowd. Where are you from sir?
Ahh, the South. Well that explains a lot, doesn't it? I mean, there's more inbreeding down there than a night out with Lot and his daughters. (ba-dum-bum)
I know Leviticus commands you not to cut your hair or beard, but I think those nose hairs are fair game.
Regardless of what you may have heard, a thousand roaches in your house is not one of the plagues.
When you anoint yourself with oil, it shouldn't have a weight.
And let me give you a piece of advice, a car fire in your front yard is not what God meant by a burnt offering.
(pause for drink)
I'm excited to announce that I was recently born again. But I'm so old, they couldn't use Holy water, they had to use Geritol.
Actually, I didn't mind being born again and baptized, but I wasn't expecting the priest to slap me on the ass.
And I can live with the adult diapers, but my wife still won't let me breast feed. (ba-dum-bum)
Wow, tough audience. I'm dying faster than a firstborn Egyptian boy on Passover.
This routine is dragging longer than Jesus carrying his own cross. ("booooooo") What? Too soon?
Thank you, you've been a great audience. Don't let the manger door hit you on the way out.