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Saturday, September 16, 2006

Yo Mama

Yo Jesus so fat, they had to anoint him in oil just to get him into the cave.

Yo Jesus so fat, they had to reinforce his cross with re-bar.

Yo' Jesus so fat, a communion cracker has more transfat than a twinkie.

Yo' Jesus so fat, the Romans had to trade in their spears for harpoons.

Yo' Jesus so fat, the last supper was also the first 4th meal.

Yo' Jesus so fat, when he travels back to earth he'll have to buy two seats instead of one.

Yo Jesus so poor, he had to wash dishes after the last supper to pay for his meal.

Yo Jesus so poor, he had to put his cross on layaway.

Yo Jesus so poor, he has to call collect to answer your prayers.

Yo Jesus so poor, his image appeared on the front of a food stamp.

Yo Jesus so skinny, they nailed him to the cross with a thumbtack.

Yo Moses so old, he wrote the ten commandments on his gallstones.

Yo Moses so old, he used his beard to wipe his ass.

Yo Judas so greedy, not only did he betray Jesus for 30 sheckles, he charged pay-per-view for the crucifixion.

Yo Virgin Mary so easy, she got knocked up by God, the Father and the Holy Ghost.

Yo Lot so horny, he had three more daughters.

Yo Mama so old, she's got an autographed copy of the Bible.

Thursday, May 04, 2006

Please Welcome the Atheist Comedian

Good evening Ladies and Gentile Men.

I just flew in from Heaven and boy are my wings tired. (ba-dum-bum)

But seriously, the flight was terrible. Why are they always so rude? Heck, Jesus got better service at the Last Supper.

And airline food, don't get me started. I know Jesus can turn water into wine, but I didn't realize it worked the other way around.

How is it He can feed 5000 with a few loaves of bread but they can't manage to put more than 10 peanuts in a bag?

And the space. They cram you in there tighter than animals on an ark.

Seriously, I've had more elbow room at the Hajj.

I mean, when you get to know the person sitting next to you, you really get to "know" the person sitting next to you.

And talk about a flight delay, we waited longer to take off than Christians have been waiting for the Second Coming.

Speaking of Second Comings, take my wife, please God, take my wife.

I don't want to call her frigid, but she makes Mother Theresa look like Mary Magdalene.

When the Lord says "Go forth and multiply", she pulls out a calculator (ba-dum-bum).

We even named our first son Jesus because it was a virgin birth.

So I ask her "Didn't God make woman out of man's rib?" and she says "Yeah, but looking at you, I think He took the wrong bone".

Is this mike on? (tap-tap-tap) I thought only God could turn people into pillars of salt?

I haven't seen this many people walk out at once since Exodus.

I haven't seen someone vanish so fast since Jesus' tomb.

With friends like you, who needs Judas?

No, I'm joking, I love you all like I love my wife. Which reminds me, anyone here from Utah?

(smattering of clapping)

Last time I was in Utah I went to a store to by my wife a set of his and her bathrobes, but they only came in packs of three. (ba-dum-bum)

And I hear they like to marry 'em young in Utah. In fact, I just heard they made Roman Polanski one of the Twelve Apostles.

It's the only place I know where "Old Maid" is an insult in high school.

And the class ring is a wedding band.

("You suck Atheist Comedian")

Ahh, I see we have a heckler in the crowd. Where are you from sir?

("South Carolina")

Ahh, the South. Well that explains a lot, doesn't it? I mean, there's more inbreeding down there than a night out with Lot and his daughters. (ba-dum-bum)

I know Leviticus commands you not to cut your hair or beard, but I think those nose hairs are fair game.

Regardless of what you may have heard, a thousand roaches in your house is not one of the plagues.

When you anoint yourself with oil, it shouldn't have a weight.

And let me give you a piece of advice, a car fire in your front yard is not what God meant by a burnt offering.

(pause for drink)

I'm excited to announce that I was recently born again. But I'm so old, they couldn't use Holy water, they had to use Geritol.

Actually, I didn't mind being born again and baptized, but I wasn't expecting the priest to slap me on the ass.

And I can live with the adult diapers, but my wife still won't let me breast feed. (ba-dum-bum)

Wow, tough audience. I'm dying faster than a firstborn Egyptian boy on Passover.

This routine is dragging longer than Jesus carrying his own cross. ("booooooo") What? Too soon?

Thank you, you've been a great audience. Don't let the manger door hit you on the way out.